we never had a choice; this world has too much noise

[beguiledcard]

Who: Goro Akechi, Akira Kurusu, and Kurama
What: A date!
When: Feb. 27th
Where: Room 8
Warnings: mentions of suicide, murder, survivor's guilt, depression, PTSD

[ Valentine's Day had helped clear his head considerably...

Unfortunately, by the next day, his mind was back to the first day - Kurama overhearing one of Akira's darkest thoughts being shared with Prompto, the promise that he'd sit and have another talk with both boyfriends, attempted reassurances...

Things have been tense for him since then, but he's been doing what he'd said he needed to wait for the talk for; he's been sorting his thoughts, clearing his head the best he could... It hasn't been any definition of simple, but he's managed to prepare himself more than he was prepared for a talk of this nature.

And... maybe it's time to reveal the rest of the secrets - things only the people from his own timeline know about, in full detail. He's sure Goro has managed to make some guesses...

But... in any case, he's asked the two to meet him in room 8. He'll be lying down on the bed, feet on the floor, hands in pockets. It'll be immediately clear the meeting isn't for anything good - heh, but... they should already be aware it won't be. Today was the deadline, after all. ]

Comments

[byanyother_name]

You're always apologizing for the wrong things, Akira... And I heard enough, as far as I'm concerned. More than enough.

[Kurama slumps subtly, closing his eyes. His arms wrap around his waist almost absently as he mulls over Akira's words. Both from before and from now.

How long? How long has Akira been feeling like this?

He isn't actually sure he wants an exact number, so he'll have to settle for 'too long'.]

We all suffered in the Game. You just as much as Goro and I. Don't...brush yourself off with us having 'been through enough'. You matter. Your feelings matter.

[He'd tried so hard to convince Akira that he was allowed to be human, to be not okay sometimes, to be selfish sometimes. Just one of many things he'd ruined when he chose to kill.

Damn it.

He relives that too often in his nightmares to be letting himself think about it while awake, too.]

...and you have so much more value and worth than simply how 'useful' you might be in any given situation...

[foolishjustice]

[He never heard what Akira said, but...what he's saying now is enough. Useless, inferior...compared to two Composers.]

And here I thought you had seen what can happen when someone keeps quiet about feeling like that.

[Inferiority leads to jealousy, leads to resentment, leads to a feeling you could count on to let you pull the trigger if it came down to it. It's a feeling that gnaws and twists until you would do anything to be on the same level as someone else...]

That sort of desperation isn't good for anyone. Besides...

[He lifts a hand, gently brushing it over Akira's cheek.]

You saved your world, kept the survivors in the mall together after I betrayed them, and even came to help me and my world's version of you stop Yaldabaoth. That's quite the list of accomplishments...I don't think you should feel bad about having to sit some things out for a while.

[beguiledcard]

[ He flinches a little at their words. What hurts most is knowing that they're right. Knowing he already knew all this, and yet those thoughts had been there. Stubbornly lurking, no matter how hard he'd fought to shove them down.

Heh... he really should have acknowledged this sooner, instead of letting it get to this point. Letting it explode in the form of slipping up to the first person here who reminded him so much of his best friend.

Instead of winding up in a situation where Kurama overheard something he never should have overheard - no... never should have been said in the first place, right?

He can only give a wry smile - humorless and tired and with every bit of acknowledgement that their words are entirely correct in almost every way possible...

Almost, since... ]

I can't take credit for what they all chose to do. Besides, Chariot and Croix gave some pretty impressive speeches...

[ He releases a heavy sigh and turns his head so he's leaning into Goro's touch for a moment. ]

... But, I know. I have seen what happens when someone keeps quiet about these kinds of feelings. And I know I have more value than that. That why I shoved it aside and kept focusing on everything that needed to be done...

[ He lowers his gaze, reaching out to take each a hand of each boyfriend. ]

I'm not great at sitting anything out... so I can't say I'll stand by. But... I did promise...

[ Ugh... ]

No more... hiding things, right?

[byanyother_name]

So did you, in case you weren't listening to yourself at the time.

[It's trying very hard to be light, a little too hard, but the sentiment itself is true. The dead had never been gone, after all, and they had watched.

Kurama closes his eyes as he listens to Akira, struggling for an equanimity that had come more easily when he'd had less to truly cherish. Love truly is a terrible weakness...

But it is also his strength.]

Unfortunately, knowledge often does surprisingly little for feelings. Shoving something aside only leaves it to fester.

[When he feels Akira's hand slip around his, he twines their fingers together, holding on gently.]

I don't ask you to sit anything out or stand by. Only to let us stand at your side. And yes, without hiding things. I made you another promise once, didn't I? My strength is yours. So please, when you need to, you can still lean on me.

[foolishjustice]

Besides, there's more to being helpful than directly Erasing Noise.

[He takes Akira's hand firmly in his own and lifts it to his cheek. He knows very well what it is to feel helpless, to feel like you aren't doing enough. It's so easy to fall into that pit of thinking that you have to be able to do everything by yourself, and that anything you can't do is a personal failing. It's caused him no end of stress in his own life.]

Your power might not be able to do damage, but you can still protect us. Your vortex can intercept or prevent attacks, after all. It can even save us energy by gathering multiple enemies together into a single target. You're not at all useless without the powers we have.

[beguiledcard]

[ The last words out of Kurama's mouth have a mixture of emotions appearing on Akira's face.

Last time he heard that out of the redhead's mouth... Heh. His smile doesn't quite reach his eyes, but it is appreciative all the same. After holding a blink, he nods. Every part of him appreciates their words, and he nods. He places a kiss on both Kurama and Goro's cheeks, respectively - he has to lower his hand just a bit on the latter's cheek to manage it.

His thumb brushes over the skin beneath it afterwards. ]

All of that is the reason I fought so hard against what I was feeling. I knew, logically, that the ability I was given is useful... and yet...

[ A heavy sigh escapes. ]

I knew we had a long road ahead of us, after everything we went through... My habit of focusing more on the people I love really hasn't faded.

[byanyother_name]

[He knows, gods does he know, how terrible the last time was. Both in what they went through before it, and in the choices Kurama made afterward. He'd broken that promise to Akira, to be there when he was needed.

He wants, painfully so, to make that right again. To keep his promises now.

Akira's words still hurt more. Focusing more on the people you love, even if you hurt yourself... Is this what Kurama is doing to them? Does it hurt Akira and Goro this way, when he neglects himself for them?]

But we can't be happy, if you're suffering...

[Kurama's eyes are on his and Akira's joined hands, but they lack their usual sharp focus.]