Akira Kurusu (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
beguiledcard) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
phantasmalrift2018-02-26 05:06 pm
beguiledcard) wrote in phantasmalrift2018-02-26 05:06 pm
we never had a choice; this world has too much noise
Who: Goro Akechi, Akira Kurusu, and Kurama
What: A date!
When: Feb. 27th
Where: Room 8
Warnings: mentions of suicide, murder, survivor's guilt, depression, PTSD
[ Valentine's Day had helped clear his head considerably...
Unfortunately, by the next day, his mind was back to the first day - Kurama overhearing one of Akira's darkest thoughts being shared with Prompto, the promise that he'd sit and have another talk with both boyfriends, attempted reassurances...
Things have been tense for him since then, but he's been doing what he'd said he needed to wait for the talk for; he's been sorting his thoughts, clearing his head the best he could... It hasn't been any definition of simple, but he's managed to prepare himself more than he was prepared for a talk of this nature.
And... maybe it's time to reveal the rest of the secrets - things only the people from his own timeline know about, in full detail. He's sure Goro has managed to make some guesses...
But... in any case, he's asked the two to meet him in room 8. He'll be lying down on the bed, feet on the floor, hands in pockets. It'll be immediately clear the meeting isn't for anything good - heh, but... they should already be aware it won't be. Today was the deadline, after all. ]
What: A date!
When: Feb. 27th
Where: Room 8
Warnings: mentions of suicide, murder, survivor's guilt, depression, PTSD
[ Valentine's Day had helped clear his head considerably...
Unfortunately, by the next day, his mind was back to the first day - Kurama overhearing one of Akira's darkest thoughts being shared with Prompto, the promise that he'd sit and have another talk with both boyfriends, attempted reassurances...
Things have been tense for him since then, but he's been doing what he'd said he needed to wait for the talk for; he's been sorting his thoughts, clearing his head the best he could... It hasn't been any definition of simple, but he's managed to prepare himself more than he was prepared for a talk of this nature.
And... maybe it's time to reveal the rest of the secrets - things only the people from his own timeline know about, in full detail. He's sure Goro has managed to make some guesses...
But... in any case, he's asked the two to meet him in room 8. He'll be lying down on the bed, feet on the floor, hands in pockets. It'll be immediately clear the meeting isn't for anything good - heh, but... they should already be aware it won't be. Today was the deadline, after all. ]
no subject
The words still weigh on him, dark and heavy where he's pushed them to the back of his mind. They aren't truly ignored, let alone forgotten, but just kept in check. Like so many other things that only come out in Kurama's nightmares.
He slips into the room quietly, moving to sit on the edge of the bed. He's just close enough to feel the edges of Akira's body heat.
Kurama doesn't say anything yet, but his fingers reach out to brush Akira's cheek.]
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Now that Akira's called them both in to talk, he's undeniably nervous. It shows in his stiff, formal posture, the sort he keeps in public...the sort he's rarely bothered with at the station, away from his stifling reputation. Someone who doesn't know him might not recognize the tension, but his boyfriends have seen how he holds himself when he's truly relaxed.
His own movements aren't as habitually silent as Kurama's, but they still carry softly in the quiet room despite his heavy boots. Not silent, but reasonably quiet for an ordinary teenager who generally doesn't like announcing his presence. He takes a seat on Akira's other side, reaching down to rest a hand on his boyfriend's arm.
Akira's the one who called them there, so it seems right to give him a chance to be the first to say something]
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... When it comes to the heavier topics, he's always felt more comfortable responding to other people's words, rather than initiating a conversation. A voice, muffled by his own thoughts, manages to find its way in--
People naturally gravitate to you for a good reason. But that doesn't mean you can't lean on others from time to time. Even leaders need a helping hand, and a respite.
... he never got to ask her what she meant by "good reason," and he can't seem to figure out what that is on his own. His hands roughly grip the blanket and he slowly moves to sit up. His words are below a whisper - softly breathed out. ]
... I screwed up.
[ When did it all change? What happened? Why can't he rewind himself? He made a promise... Not just to the four people in that attic, but to himself... even before they left the mall. ]
Kurama... overheard me saying something. I'm not even sure how much he heard...
[ He clenches his teeth for a moment. ]
... I am sorry. It was stupid... and careless. [ it had slipped out; Prompto felt like someone who wouldn't take his words personally, and yet... ] You two have been through enough. And it's not like I never planned to talk to you two, but...
[ A tired, humorless laugh as he releases those blankets. ]
The truth is... I hate feeling useless by comparison. And I know it's nothing either of you caused. It was all me. That feeling messed with my head before I even had a chance to realize it was happening. [ this time, the laugh has some bitterness in it ] It's been a while since I let myself feel inferior...
[ "let" himself...
He shakes his head. His next exhale is uneven. He needs to stop talking for now. If not for Kurama's insistence, he wouldn't have even said this much. He feels weak for letting his own emotions do this. Weak for letting things get to this point. And weak for feeling so affected by feeling weak.
This is a damn mess. ]
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[Kurama slumps subtly, closing his eyes. His arms wrap around his waist almost absently as he mulls over Akira's words. Both from before and from now.
How long? How long has Akira been feeling like this?
He isn't actually sure he wants an exact number, so he'll have to settle for 'too long'.]
We all suffered in the Game. You just as much as Goro and I. Don't...brush yourself off with us having 'been through enough'. You matter. Your feelings matter.
[He'd tried so hard to convince Akira that he was allowed to be human, to be not okay sometimes, to be selfish sometimes. Just one of many things he'd ruined when he chose to kill.
Damn it.
He relives that too often in his nightmares to be letting himself think about it while awake, too.]
...and you have so much more value and worth than simply how 'useful' you might be in any given situation...
no subject
And here I thought you had seen what can happen when someone keeps quiet about feeling like that.
[Inferiority leads to jealousy, leads to resentment, leads to a feeling you could count on to let you pull the trigger if it came down to it. It's a feeling that gnaws and twists until you would do anything to be on the same level as someone else...]
That sort of desperation isn't good for anyone. Besides...
[He lifts a hand, gently brushing it over Akira's cheek.]
You saved your world, kept the survivors in the mall together after I betrayed them, and even came to help me and my world's version of you stop Yaldabaoth. That's quite the list of accomplishments...I don't think you should feel bad about having to sit some things out for a while.
no subject
Heh... he really should have acknowledged this sooner, instead of letting it get to this point. Letting it explode in the form of slipping up to the first person here who reminded him so much of his best friend.
Instead of winding up in a situation where Kurama overheard something he never should have overheard - no... never should have been said in the first place, right?
He can only give a wry smile - humorless and tired and with every bit of acknowledgement that their words are entirely correct in almost every way possible...
Almost, since... ]
I can't take credit for what they all chose to do. Besides, Chariot and Croix gave some pretty impressive speeches...
[ He releases a heavy sigh and turns his head so he's leaning into Goro's touch for a moment. ]
... But, I know. I have seen what happens when someone keeps quiet about these kinds of feelings. And I know I have more value than that. That why I shoved it aside and kept focusing on everything that needed to be done...
[ He lowers his gaze, reaching out to take each a hand of each boyfriend. ]
I'm not great at sitting anything out... so I can't say I'll stand by. But... I did promise...
[ Ugh... ]
No more... hiding things, right?
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[It's trying very hard to be light, a little too hard, but the sentiment itself is true. The dead had never been gone, after all, and they had watched.
Kurama closes his eyes as he listens to Akira, struggling for an equanimity that had come more easily when he'd had less to truly cherish. Love truly is a terrible weakness...
But it is also his strength.]
Unfortunately, knowledge often does surprisingly little for feelings. Shoving something aside only leaves it to fester.
[When he feels Akira's hand slip around his, he twines their fingers together, holding on gently.]
I don't ask you to sit anything out or stand by. Only to let us stand at your side. And yes, without hiding things. I made you another promise once, didn't I? My strength is yours. So please, when you need to, you can still lean on me.
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[He takes Akira's hand firmly in his own and lifts it to his cheek. He knows very well what it is to feel helpless, to feel like you aren't doing enough. It's so easy to fall into that pit of thinking that you have to be able to do everything by yourself, and that anything you can't do is a personal failing. It's caused him no end of stress in his own life.]
Your power might not be able to do damage, but you can still protect us. Your vortex can intercept or prevent attacks, after all. It can even save us energy by gathering multiple enemies together into a single target. You're not at all useless without the powers we have.
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Last time he heard that out of the redhead's mouth... Heh. His smile doesn't quite reach his eyes, but it is appreciative all the same. After holding a blink, he nods. Every part of him appreciates their words, and he nods. He places a kiss on both Kurama and Goro's cheeks, respectively - he has to lower his hand just a bit on the latter's cheek to manage it.
His thumb brushes over the skin beneath it afterwards. ]
All of that is the reason I fought so hard against what I was feeling. I knew, logically, that the ability I was given is useful... and yet...
[ A heavy sigh escapes. ]
I knew we had a long road ahead of us, after everything we went through... My habit of focusing more on the people I love really hasn't faded.
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He wants, painfully so, to make that right again. To keep his promises now.
Akira's words still hurt more. Focusing more on the people you love, even if you hurt yourself... Is this what Kurama is doing to them? Does it hurt Akira and Goro this way, when he neglects himself for them?]
But we can't be happy, if you're suffering...
[Kurama's eyes are on his and Akira's joined hands, but they lack their usual sharp focus.]