phantasmalrift | I wish I could escape - I don't wanna fake; I wish I could erase

I wish I could escape - I don't wanna fake; I wish I could erase - make your heart believe

Who: CLOSED to Shido, Robin, Kurama!
What: Aiden is having suspicions over a thing regarding Shido, wants to ask Robin about a thing, Kurama needs to hunt Aiden down for a thing, and then Aiden and Minato need to do a thing...
When: Pending; each prompt is listed consecutively, however.
Where: Common area beach close to Station
Warnings: Murdergame talk in Kurama thread, and then some very awkward shit in Shido thread (mildly NSFW implications!!). I will mark if anything else comes up!

Closed: Shido

[ One thing about not being able to forget things easily, is that there's a distinct difficulty in letting things go.

It's something he's growing to accept more, to see under a more positive light... than he used to, at least. Maybe it's not a huge difference from before, but the biggest step forward is in that he's trying. Sometimes, it's the effort that means the most, right? H-heh...

Fuck, if he isn't trying his damnest, here. It's exhausting, but it's a challenge he's actually facing now.

Anyway, one of the things he can't let go of, is right there in the room with him - well, more like... it's regarding the person with him.

Masayoshi is always so calm and gentle towards him, these days. While Aiden can't ever forget the moment in the MedBay, he's doing his best to focus less on that. What he... is still focusing a lot on, however, is how Masayoshi has acted towards him whenever he is in the female form.

He wants to explore that more, but it isn't something he thinks could be figured out with mere words. Not to mention, he's grown more comfortable with having freedom to be a bit more compulsive. So, once all the dishes have been put away, he's turning towards the older man. ]

Masayoshi, there's something I want to talk to you about. It involves...

[ Yeah, so, he's just going to shift right on into the female form. And, as always, that means the clothes are fitting a bit more loosely. He does think to hold the pants up, and then tighten the belt around his waist. But the shirt - fortunately, a thick one! - isn't something he can do much about. It's sort of hanging off of one shoulder just the tiniest bit. ]

... this form.

Closed: Robin

[ At some point, whenever Robin is walking past Aiden, he'll hear him muttering. ]

I'm such a fucking idiot...

[ There's a lot of tension in his form, and that poor device is getting gripped super tightly. There's even a tremble there. Oof... ]

Closed: Kurama

[ It's close to the time Robin is encountering Aiden, but Kurama is getting a text: ]

I'm a fucking idiot...

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[Shido isn't the best at letting things go, either. Particularly, things he did that hurt or upset people.

Losing his temper at Aiden was... heh, well... let's just say he's been exceptionally careful from that point on to never show even a smidgen of irritation towards him— except for when Aiden picked him up, though that was more embarrassment than actual annoyance.

He glances over curiously at Aiden at those words, just a slight bit of dread welling within him... and when he changes form, he abruptly realizes why.

It's been awhile since he's seen this form of Aiden, and, honestly, he— she's stunning? It... takes a bit of control to not gape and stare, but unfortunately, there's one thing he can't control...

Thank whatever deity above for the fact that he's conveniently next to the edge of a counter he can shift around to hide his lower half. There's a rapid mounting discomfort in him— nearly a panic, in fact, that he's desperately trying to stem. His mouth feels a bit dry, and...

Ah, there might even be a bit of color draining from his face? He... does not remotely have control of this situation.

Breathe, Shido, calm. He ends up giving a bit of a wry smirk as he sits down at the counter, an equally wry breath of a laugh escaping him as briefly bows his head.]

I suppose I do react... [He holds a blink for a moment. Another breath.] Rather strongly to it.

[ There's a tensing of Aiden's brow, and then a somewhat awkward glance to the side. ]

... I guess that's one way to put it.

[ After a deep breath, Aiden's tone is shifting to something a bit... rigid. Maybe just a little... distant...? Guarded.

Wary... ]

I can't predict the future, Masayoshi. I can't promise I'll never come across a situation where I'll need to use this form... But I don't like the idea of making you uncomfortable, just by being around me. I'd like to figure out how to-... help, maybe?

[...ah, he... doesn't like the tone of that voice. And the words that accompany it are painfully earnest.]

Aiden... [A bit of a sigh. He shifts uncomfortably, his body still very much reacting to Aiden... He almost looks a bit cornered? But eventually, he lets out a heavier sigh, deflating a bit.]

It's... [He presses his lips together. C'mon, Shido, be an adult...] Your female form is quite... attractive. And as you know, I'm a straight man, so, it's— awkward, being familiar with you as a man and yet... reacting the way I do when you're a woman. [... a wry smile again.] I've learned to tolerate same genders together well enough with others, but for me, personally... [His brow draws together, trying, instinctively, to force down that feeling of disgust.]

And bearing in mind what you told me that one night... I don't want to make you uncomfortable, either.

[god. that was a lot? that was a lot. he deflates quite a bit more after all that...]

[ A... ttractive...

That's confusing as hell, in some ways; he wouldn't see himself as anything more than plain. ]

Straight...?

[ He takes a moment to consider the rest of the words, his brow tensing. ]

I... suppose it's not too strange to consider. Given how Goro feels, and all... [ deep breath ] But, it's...

[ The more he's sitting here, on this topic... the more a swell of panic keeps tugging at the pit of his stomach. His gaze lifts to rest on Masayoshi, attempting to look... heh. Strong? But completely, utterly failing to do so. There's a painful swallow, and then he looks away. He hates this. Hates how confusing everything feels, right now. Hates how there's a need for... something separating them? Is he afraid of scaring Aiden? Is that it...? ]

... not like you make me uncomfortable, you know. It's just that...

[ But all the words are... feeling a bit difficult and/or pointless now. ]

[...ah. Aiden looks... very distressed, and he can't help but feel— guilty? It's just Aiden, there's no need to get into a panic...

Maybe it's because it's Aiden that he's getting... so confused...

He encourages him gently:]

Just that...?

[ He stares at Masayoshi for a moment... and something tugs at him. He feels so blind, right now. So helpless in understanding what the older man is feeling, exactly.

There's a hesitant pause... and it's whispered: ]

I'm an idiot.

[His expression openly strains at that.]

Aiden...

[He can't... go to her, because of... goddamnit...]

[ And there's a long pause that's followed by a dismissive shake of head. ]

I'll be okay... It's not your fault.

[ There's been an honest attempt at avoiding using his empathy on trusted people, because it'd be... nice to get to know them beyond just what they're feeling. Not to mention, it's easier to focus just on the conversation, when there's not the distraction of trying to sift through emotions.

Hesitantly... the empathy is getting turned back on... ]

................

[ And, just like that, Aiden's face is turning about every possible shade darker. With a hard swallow, a shift in stance and turning of body to hide said face, silence is enveloping the space between them - on Aiden's end, anyway. ]

[Shido's at a loss for what to do, here... And, that sudden reaction? Well, it's not difficult to connect the dots on what happened— and that just has him feeling even more shameful, cheeks tinging pink as he looks down at the counter.]

It is my fault. My unresolved issues are upsetting you. You shouldn't beat yourself up for my shortcomings.

[ There's a quiet sound of frustration. ]

No, it's... It's okay. I should just find a way to not be in this form around you, is all!

[ Which is said not long before there's a quick shift back to male form... ... Right as Aiden is considering what that's going to mean, in terms of... physical... reactions...?

... Fuck.

Mistakes have been made, and everything is just fucking terrible. He's quickly turning to keep his back to Masayoshi. There's an honest swell of panic that he has to fight down, though not with enough success to keep any at all from his voice. He's going to have to apologize later, but he has to get the hell out of there, and fast... ]

C-close your eyes...

Aiden.

[The name comes out as a protest. Stop blaming yourself, stop making this your fault... His stomach feels like it's completely bottomed out, and with his empathy turned back on, Aiden should be able to feel just how badly Shido wants to make things right...

At least— he finally seems to have calmed down enough to be able to get up...? Which he does, stepping towards the other man.]

Aiden, please...

[ Meanwhile, he hasn't calmed down...

He tenses up considerably, expression faltering as he takes a step forward... ]

D-don't...!

[ With that, he's going to try hurrying away...... ]

Aiden...!

[Shido calls after him, then deflates with a heavy sigh, arms falling limply to his sides as he stares after the younger man.

And for what seems like a small eternity... he stands there and stares, even after Aiden is long gone.]

[Robin had been walking past, yes, on his way back from tending to Melady, but...

... Well, spotting Aiden in that state is getting him to pause and back up slightly.]

... Aiden? [He'll reach over to gently set his hand on the man's shoulder.]

[ There's a blink as he feels the hand. He glances up with an openly sheepish look, and then his eyes fall to the floor. ]

Ah... You heard that...

[ It's definitely not a question, which shouldn't be a surprise... ]

Um... [ reaching to scratch the back of his head ] ... Hi.

[ He's so fucking good at this... ]

... Hi.

[You sure did nail it, Aiden. If nothing else, Robin won't comment on that moment of awkwardness as he draws just a bit closer.]

What's wrong?

[ He's shifting a bit, eyes momentarily resting on the hand that was just on his shoulder... Hm. He... kind of wants to ask about that particular hand... ]

Ah, I'm-...

[ ... not going to try to say he's fine, will be fine, etc... He's trying to get better about that. ]

Frustrated... about something. It's-... [ giving a dry laugh, shaking his head, and then briefly waving one hand ] Kind of stupid?

Yeah. It's stupid.

Edited 2018-11-16 09:40 (UTC)

[He's getting better about that and Robin's proud of him!]

... It's not stupid if it's bothering you. Want to talk about it?

[ He manages a small, wry smile... ]

I'm not sure talking about it would help with the problem...

[ ... Someone still doesn't understand the other point of talking about things. ]

Still, bottling it up can't be doing you any good. Plus... sometimes getting things out into words can help you with thinking about them.

[ He's making a bit of a thoughtful face at that. ]

Guess that's fair...

[ With that, he glances away... They say it's best to start from the very beginning, when unsure of where to begin, right? ]

I... [ a wry smirk ] ... was only recently able to accept that I fell in love with someone, years ago.

There does seem to be a type in the people I befriend.

Would you like to tell me why over text or in person?

After getting to know you as well as I do, I'm somehow not surprised at all.

[ One short pause later: ]

It's about Masayoshi.

[ Then, a much longer pause later: ]

You can pick the meeting spot...

Edited 2018-11-16 23:28 (UTC)

(へ_へ);;

Come down to the garden level, then.

「(°ヘ°)?

All right. See you there.

o/`~

[Kurama was already down on the garden floor, probably surprising Aiden not at all. He's moving easily among the plants, shifting the growth cycles and picking strawberries. He waves to Aiden in welcome when he sees him.]

[ Aiden's giving an... awkward sort of wave in response. It's way too tensely done to be a proper one. ]

Hey... How are you?

Better than you, from the sound of it. I actually have something to talk to you about myself, but let's start with that text.

[ His brow tenses as he looks down... and says nothing for a long while. ]

... I've- only ever been in love with one person. I'm not even sure--...

[ A wry smirk ghosts over his lips. ]

Feelings confuse me, in general. The last thing I should have done is-...

[ Well, it looks like he's panicking a little? His hands are trembling as he just... covers his own face. The next words are muffled. ]

Masayoshi deserves better than to keep dealing with such a-... fucking mess.

Edited 2019-01-10 12:55 (UTC)

[Oh.

Well.

That's interesting, to say the least. Kurama does know Aiden well enough to make sense of the various unfinished sentences and emotional reactions. He gently reaches up to try to coax Aiden's hands away from his face.]

He's hardly a paragon of neatness himself. But more importantly, Aiden, has Masayoshi made any indication that he would prefer to not be dealing with you?

[Because Kurama kind of doubts it.]

[ He refuses to lift his head, even after the hands are coaxes from his face. There's the hint of tears on his hands, though he's trying to keep further evidence hidden by his bangs. ]

... I made him uncomfortable.

[ That's said with a defeated kind of laugh - quiet, hint of bitterness lurking within it. The rest comes out with lots of frustration. ]

Masayoshi's not interested in guys, and I'm-... not even comfortable with that other form. And [ gritting his teeth for a moment ] I don't want to change for someone else.

Edited 2019-01-11 15:08 (UTC)

[Kurama is listening to Aiden. He genuinely is. Just the more he listens to, the more he stares ~~into the camera like he's on The Office~~ off into the middle distance.

Really.

Really?

For an empath, his best friend is amazingly obtuse.]

Masayoshi is an idiot that has assumed all his life that he fits a narrow, standardized definition of 'normal'. Probably helped along at some points of his life. Of course his feelings for you make him uncomfortable; they challenge his perception of himself.

Discomfort isn't always bad, Aiden. Growing is rarely comfortable.

If he isn't asking you to leave him alone, maybe it's because he values you more than his comfort zone.

[ That has him almost seemingly sinking into himself a little. His brow tenses and he looks to the side. ]

... Fair enough.

[ He's holding a blink now. He looks... uncomfortable, speaking of which. As his head lowers, he gives a quiet, wry laugh. ]

Okay, so... maybe it's more about- me, in general. I wouldn't be good for him. He needs someone who'd be able to guide him to a happier path. Not to mention, even if he does enjoy being around me, there are... other issues.

[ It's said quietly - the last part, at least. ]

[There's something distantly sad to Kurama's smile as he shakes his head.]

It's not your right, empath or not, to decide whether you can make someone else happy. Only they can decide that. That's something that...I struggled with, as well. Accepting that they chose me, despite everything. I'd rather not see you make my mistakes, to be completely honest.

[Kurama shakes his head again and runs a hand through his hair, eyes closing briefly. His voice is gentler when he goes on, and undemanding. Whether Aiden answers or not is entirely his choice.]

What other issues?

[ His expression softens... but then he gives Kurama a small, gentle smile. ]

I'm not surprised they chose you. But... choosing goes both ways, right? And, after seeing you three together as much as I have, I can definitely tell you're all pretty great for one another.

[ But, then his lips draw together tightly. ]

... Members of the guild weren't allowed to date. Because- it could lead to distractions. Or excessive attachments to people who aren't members. Even dating within the guild was against the rules, because being too attached to other members could make missions... "messy". And hunters died easily. Caring too much about another hunter could lead to someone being too reckless.

[ Something distant enters his gaze. ]

The head hunter liked to use me as an example, a lot. After the- removal of one of the guild members, the leader- figured out I'd had...

[ He releases a shaky exhale, holds a blink, shakes his head... ]

... I had feelings for that member. So he dragged me to a room, tied me up, and- made an example of me, in front of the whole guild. He kept asking- [ bitter laugh, shaking hands ] -if those were things I'd wanted to do to her. He said it'd happen again, any time I ever so much as looked at another guild member the way he'd seen me looking at her. Even though that wasn't the last time he ever did anything to me, at all.

[ He doesn't realize there are tears escaping. ]

So, now... that's the first thing that comes to mind, whenever I so much as think about dating. [ jawline tightening ] ... Even if it's stupid to let him keep a grip on my life.

Edited 2019-01-24 07:31 (UTC)

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I wish I could escape - I don't wanna fake; I wish I could erase - make your heart believe

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tw: UM... A NAT 20 WITH +5 ON SHARING A... SEXUAL ASSAULT STORY 8(